Are You Destined for Literary Success?

Just fill in our quiz, all you talented wordsmiths, and find out!

1. How talented are you? Be brutally honest, babes! a. Off the charts – right up there with Dan Brown and Lee Childs b. No genius, but I know my craft, and work my ass off c. Martin Amis or Salman Rushdie would like my work if they knew it d. I don’t know crap about grammar or spelling, but hey, that’s what editors are for, right?
2. How much training do you have in Creative Writing? a. Bachelor’s degree b. MFA c. PhD d. I went to a summer workshop and slept with one of the tutors
3. Your social media presence a. rivals Kim Kardashian’s b. is respectable – you have tens or hundreds of thousands of followers c. is comprised mainly of friends and family d. is purely imaginary, but hey, I’m a fiction writer
4. Describe yourself. You are a. young and totally hot b. middle-aged and still pretty fit c. middle-aged and meh d. Old as shit (over 50)
5. You are a. ‘male’ b. ‘female’ c. transgender d. nonbinary
6. Ethnically, you are mainly a. African b. Middle Eastern c. Caucasian or white d. South Asian e. East Asian f. Latin American g. Other
7. Sexually, you identify as a. gay or lesbian b. bi c. transgender d. questioning, queer e. intersex f. asexual g. pansexual h. ‘straight’
8. Spiritually, you are a. Muslim b. Hindu c. Jewish d. Christian e. Buddhist f. Atheist g. Wiccan h. Spiritual but not religious

Now sum up your score. Yeah, we know you’re genius writers, so you don’t do math, but you can use a calculator, right? Easy-peasy.

1. a. 0 (btw ‘off the charts is a cliché, sucker) b. 0         c. 0      d. 0

That’s right, babes, talent is irrelevant in this game. That’s the good news, right?

2. a. 0      b. 0      c. 0      d. 10

Creative writing courses are a waste of time but screwing famous writers is always a wicked idea!

3. a. 10    b. 5      c. 0      d. -5

You gotta be media savvy, babes.

4. a. 10    b. 5      c. 0      d. -5

Dude, sorry, but sure hotness matters, for that author photo. How else can we market you?

5. a. -10   b. 10    c. 20    d. 10

No one’s prejudiced, but guys are so twentieth century, right?

6. a. 20    b. 15    c. -10   d. 10    e. 5      f. 5       g. 5

We’re all anti-racist, like obviously, but we gotta break the white patriarchy

7.a – g 10 for any (but a max. of 10 points, guys!)       h. – 10

We’re encouraging diversity, so who wants to hear from more straight dudes?

8. a. 10    b, e, f, g, h, 5 for any  c. 0      d. -10

In general we dislike religions, except for cool ethnic ones, know what we’re sayin’?

So how did you do? Add up your scores (use that goddamn calculator!) and find out, babes!

Scores of 60 – 90: Wowza, you are one lucky writer! You already have an agent and Big Five publisher, probably. If not, don’t worry, they’re coming soon! And you can expect bunches of prizes, fellowships, endorsement deals, and mega-bucks!

Scores of 30 – 60: Dude, you maybe don’t have a totally cool profile, but you’re cool enough, and you’ll get there in the end. Like the Disney princesses say, just follow your dream, babes! Just go to the right parties in Brooklyn and sleep with the right people.

Scores of 0 – 30: Let’s face it, you’re kind of meh, right? But who knows? Maybe one of those unimportant but totally cool indie presses will publish you in about thirty years’ time, if you keep plugging away, and like, sleep with the right people – if they don’t mind.

Scores of below 0: Sorry, man, but you are like way out of the game. Probably a recipient of white privilege, right? And be honest – maybe a representative of toxic masculinity, too. OK, maybe you’re a great writer, but like, who cares? We’d advise you to give up and listen to your old vinyl records, but we know you probably won’t. Truth is, the real artists never give up. Right?